I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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