I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
