Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
