I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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