I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
