Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
