My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
