can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
