My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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