Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
sarcasm needs its own font
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Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
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I look excited, but its just a facade.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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