How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
