Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
