Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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