I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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