if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.