we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.