i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?