If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize