i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..