I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
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Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
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Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.