Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
