it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
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The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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