Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
