Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
