but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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