To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
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Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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