he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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