bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
