You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
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Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
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this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.