There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
