this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.