im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
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Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
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My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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