I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
