he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just high enough for therapy.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
