Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
