I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
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She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
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Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You were trust falling into bushes
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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