i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies