FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?