Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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