So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
