'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
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And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
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I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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