I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
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My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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