just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.