I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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