You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
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Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
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Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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