Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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