i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
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We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
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I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you