I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
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You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
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I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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