Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
