I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
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I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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