the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
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Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
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Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.