Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.