It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
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she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
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Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I have aggressive nipples.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?