in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD