It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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