he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
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Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
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I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.