Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.