I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.